Sadness and Joy

With today's entry comes both sadness and joy.

SADNESS:
A few months ago, Otka, our much loved and respected puffer fish passed away. You perhaps had not yet heard this, because you are not at the heart of it all. Because you do not keep your ear to the ground. Because you only care about yourself and cannot get out of your head, away from your own petty day-to-day concerns. Friends move away, fishes die, boys become men and then boys again (it's weird), the moon waxes, wanes. All of this goes by, unnoticed by you.

JOY:
We have a new puffer fish. It has the bluest eyes.

The Muse's Roll by Kent Hall

On Friday, we celebrated our brand new window display, The Muse's Roll designed and executed by artist Kent Hall. Patrons and parents (of the artist) alike enjoyed drinking official Pirate Store Sauvignon and dipping various high quality crackers into various dips (including the vanguard of all dips: hummus). Ice was broken, lifelong friendships were formed.

Count Torvald Swithins & his obedient wife were both in attendance, as was Sal Lafarge (of the Reno, Nevada Lafarges.) And, donning his traditional cape and monocle was the self-proclaimed "Eternal Bachelor" Ruoy Harrington. The evening was consummately droll, everyone agreed. In fact, I think Gene Fitzhew III said it best when he said, "[Unintelligible garble, with an air of wealth and fancifulness to it.]"

Thank you Kent for all your hard work and ravishing art. Thank you everyone else for coming out to celebrate the ravishing art.

Horace and the Violin That Calmed The Raging Sea
Part IV

Then, just as the sea continued on in its' third consecutive rage-filled week of raging, Horace began playing his violin. And the sea was calm. Just like that.

Rejuvenation

A man just came in, put a decorative bottle to his eye and said, "Uh, I think your spyglass is broken." His friend told him quietly, "That's a bottle. This is a spyglass." And he picked up a spyglass. Because, really people, who doesn't know the difference between a spyglass and a bottle?

That one guy.

Fat Lips Normandy Changes His Ways

Before he came to live with us in relative peace and harmony, the cinnamon clown fish found in our fish theater was known as “Fat Lips” Normandy. "Fat Lips" was the most notorious muscle in all of gangland Chicago. If a debt was owed or a lesson was in need of learning, the brownish glow of "Fat Lips" Normandy was never far away. Yet after witnessing the Valentine’s Day Massacre, Normandy felt a chill down to his fishy bones. Normandy suffered an extreme change of consciousness, no longer able to continue his life of thuggery. We found "Fat Lips" some years ago, hitchhiking outside San Leandro California, shivering in a torn green poncho as the rain poured down. He looked scared, fragile, and in need of solace.

To Be Continued...

A man came in the store and said some of the following to me:

-I am running for governor of California
-I had a mistress, but I never slept with her. I taught her how to play chess. I love my wife.
-I just went off Lithium, and once I was blind, but now I can see.
-I missed most of high school. It was the 60s.

On Jailer Keys

For centuries a fierce rivalry has been fought along the Atlantic Seas over what bagels are better: New York or Montreal. Many the swashbuckler's life has been laid down at the tip of a sword while screams of "Big and Doughy!" or "Thin and Crispy!" reverberated across eastern hulls and drawing quarters. While I'm not saying that our jailer keys will solve this dilemma, they are very good at opening things.

On Twine

As a popular jet-setting swinger I know a lot of people. As such, rarely a day goes by that I don't owe SOMEONE a delicately wrapped present. After years of searching the high seas for the perfect affordable but luxurious wrapping substance, I've found that nothing does the trick quite like twine. Delicate but sturdy, old fashioned while still cutting edge, perfect for (practically) every occasion. Twine!

-Brazilians are shrew barterers
-Patrice and Fat Lips Normandy observe Yom Kippur
-Mild days are ideal for lard

There are few things worse than a molting mop.

In exchange for a joke I offered up the "what do you call a fish with no eyes" joke. Five minutes later a little girl offered the very same joke. Eyebrows were raised, scowls offered.

Customer: We're looking for daggers.
Me: I'm afraid we don’t carry weapons.
Customer: No Weapons?! What kind of pirate store is this?
Me: one that is also a writing center for kids.
Customer: Touche.

-Dan

Today brought with it a truly inspiring drawing of a walrus pirate.

Most unique barter of the day: A sea turtle impression. A young boy swam across the store and did an impression of the turtle eating his dad's leg. I offered a peg leg as I was so impressed, but it was declined.

A four year old in a cape told me the following story:

Once upon a time there was a castle. The castle was at the bottom of the sea. One day a great white shark ate the castle,

-The end

Epilogue: No, no one died. They lived inside the shark.

Staff pick: compass!

We all know that wherever you go, there you are, but what if where you are is on a leaky dingy with only an oar and your barnacle-encrusted toes to keep you company? Well, shiver me timbers if you wouldn't wish you had a compass along for the ride. Take it from someone who's been there; a compass is your best bet for getting out of wide-open oceanic and emotional spaces.

-Lily

These are the things I wish I could do for the four seasons. In the summer I wish I could go to the lake. In the fall I wish I could jump in a pile of leaves. In the winter I wish I could have a snowball fight with my big sister Sara. In the spring I wish I could go camping. I love the four seasons. My favorite is summer.

-Alejandro Jesus Sanchez, customer

Staff Pick: eyepatch

Look, I know what you're thinking: "Do I really need ANOTHER eyepatch?" The answer, while unequivocably yes, is complicated. Have you considered the size of your head? The diameter of your right eye versus your left? Have you changed your color palette recently? Don't you think it's about time? I mean, seriously, weren't you weren't green and black this time three years ago? Did it even look good then? Wasn't everyone just trying to keep your feelings from getting hurt? Eye patches: it's time.

-Dan

There are currently four people in the store wearing black and white horizontal-striped shirts. None seem to recognize their soul-mates of color coordination or that there are similar shirts hanging on the rack behind them. Maybe this is what it's like every day working at The Gap.

STYLES OF MOPINE ASCENSION
1. The free throw
2. The double-handed backwards no-look heave
3. The Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

-anonymous customer

Page sixteen is bittersweet;
I haven't had a thing to eat
Today, except for carrots
From a bag. It was plastic.

My favorite drawer is number four
But it says 8 on the door
to keep out any pirates
On the prowl. Is that too drastic?

I wish my mom would come back soon
She left me here to mope and moon
And gawk up at the planets
In the sky. They are fantastic.

-anonymous customer

I really think Rosie Barrantes summed it up well with her description of our store: "You get mopped. Buy stuff. Look at fish." Don't you?

Today I watched Pirates of the Caribbean. I must admit that Jack Sparrow was an incredibly unfashionable pirate. Anyway.

It was a dark and stormy night, and all the ships were at sea.

And the captain said to his men: "Men! I have a story to tell you: It was a dark and stormy night, and all the ships were at sea. And the captain said to his men: 'Men! I have a story to tell you . . .'"

-anonymous customer

There once was a pirate from France
Who often wore very nice pants.

His breeches would shine
like leeches in brine
As he performed his spectacular dance.

-anonymous customers

Words: fervid
medallion
serif
camise
tonette

Pirate factoid/story: Pirates wore earrings to improve their eyesight. The acupuncture point for eyesight is evidently one's earlobe. Make of this what you will.

I live vicariously through my friend's cousin.

-Matthew Poirier (customer)

getting mopped - "why me?"
same concept as No Country for Old Men -
when it's yer time, it's yer time,
sorry buddy.

-anonymous customer

Tragic Sea Shanty

"Ahoy, my mates!
The sky was dark...
And tossed and flung the waves,
When lo I saw
Floating nearby
An undead crew of slaves.

"'Come to my ship!'
I called to them
They moaned and crawled aboard
Then one by one
They ate my crew
And then we were no more!"

-anonymous customer

Today we were a stop on the Yelp scavenger hunt. I was given a box of cassette tapes to hand out at my discretion. Every ten minutes or so, groups of colorfully-dressed folks would come in who I would then make barter for the hint.

Highlights:
-an a cappella rendition of "Welcome to the Jungle"
-an ill-conceived five-person chorus line

Question of the day: "So do you get to dress like a pirate every day?"

Point, shoot, SNAP, FLASH!
a smile breaks through
I see a personality that blossoms
before me
white teeth
glossy eyes
"Stand right there. SMILE!"
~mom's so demanding.~
passing on
to the next
Point, shoot, SNAP, FLASH!
I smile.

-Sara Davis, customer

Mouths closed, pens down
Eyes at me and not a sound
I like the way you raised your hand
How could you come to class without a pen?

He's touching me, she stole my seat
Worked all day, no bite to eat
Can I use the bathroom, no you can't
These 7th graders need more deodorant

Maria and Andrew kissing in the hall
But teachers are the worst of all
Straight to the bar after class
Drink in one hand and chalk on my ---

Yo ho yo ho a teacher's life for me!

-anonymous customer

A man gave me what he called “a real pirate coin.” On closer inspection it is from the Cayman Islands.

For the record: The pirate store endorses neither burning, nor men.

A Woman just put her baby in the vat.
The baby remained in the vat for three minutes.
There is subsequently a lot of sand now on the floor.
I am angry and amused.

Today I mopped an entire group of foreign travelers (seriously, like seven of them). It is a good day.