A man gave me what he called “a real pirate coin.” On closer inspection it is from the Cayman Islands.

For the record: The pirate store endorses neither burning, nor men.

A Woman just put her baby in the vat.
The baby remained in the vat for three minutes.
There is subsequently a lot of sand now on the floor.
I am angry and amused.

Today I mopped an entire group of foreign travelers (seriously, like seven of them). It is a good day.

The lard is feeling surly today.

A group of South Korean pirate enthusiasts are impressed by the power of my ‘stache. “How long did that take you!?!” they exclaim with great gusto and curiosity.

-Dan

A woman came in and picked out a knot. She asked if they are available for barter. I told they were not (knot?). She then said, “Then I have a donation” and pulled out a fossilized bit of shell.

A group of kids told me bad jokes I’d heard many times, but with such conviction! Special enthusiasm was reserved for delivery of the line “we don’t allow YOUR kind here,” in no less than three jokes.

A woman with a giant white parrot on her shoulder came in. Everyone was thrilled. I was not. What a terrible affliction for a pirate to suffer: fear of birds and their dead soulless eyes. Yar. Sigh.

-Dan

Today I mopped an entire group of foreign travelers (seriously, like seven of them). It is a good day.

A group of South Korean pirate enthusiasts are impressed by the power of my ‘stache. “How long did that take you!?!” they exclaim with great gusto and curiosity.

-Dan

Notables:

-A dramatic reading of the “who what where when why how” dice by an unwitting 8 year old.
-A guy bought a handful of mice (six) using two dollar bills.

-Lily

Mr Weiss informed me that Lucca, star barterer from previous entries who belted out “We’re Not Gonna Take It” in exchange for treasure, has used that very same song with him. While at first I felt betrayed by my little rocker, I realized later that that’s just what rock stars do, sing their hits in exchange for fortune and fame. In fact, Lucca probably feels pressured to give the people what they want and feels limited artistically. He probably spends all day worrying about whether his fans will follow him if he pursues his new interest in working with Eastern European rock and Argentinean percussive instruments. Poor little guy.

-Isaac

A little slow in opening today, I was greeted by hoards of barbarians at the gate longing to barter. Two wily Irish girls evaded my mopping attempts; one of them had an actual glass eye, all the better for evasion?

Holly: Did you hear about the pirate who boxed?

Scott: What?

Holly: He had a killer left hook.

Our ship has sprung a leak! Thus we have transferred our collection of British facsimile tomes to where water and wind may not penetrate. Please forgive the pirate supply store's use of this inferior material...this...plastic as we bail water like a stuck narwhal.

Mother Nature you are a cruel mistress.

Q: If you're French in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

A: European.

Today a young lad bought an eyepatch. Why, you ask? Because he has been using a telescope and does not enjoy closing one eye.

I Didn't Know This Was a Restaurant and Other Common Misperceptions About the 826 Valencia Pirate Supply Store

partial list

1. "I didn't know this was a restaurant."

True, the children sit neatly in six-tops eating delicious snacks whilst adults quickly and politely honor their requests. Be unfooled!

2. "I didn't know this was a sweatshop."

See above, and notice the lack of sewing machines and sweat.

3. Pirate Dan's mustache is phony.

Many stories Pirate Dan tells us are gross fabrications, usually involving himself as the supreme victor of some imaginary contest. (What is this...this karaoke?) His facial hair, however, is 100% natural and luxurious.

4. I can pull the string.

What string? And no, you cannot pull the string. If there was a string to pull. Which there isn't. Except for this one. But never mind that.

5. Otka puffs when she's happy.

No. And now everyone's sick. She does enjoy scampi, though.

"Once upon a time...a chicken laid a dime...then...um...then the chicken dropped dead."

- Eli, 3

This Week's New Items

- Sea hose in new colors

- Pewter buttons

- Velvet captain's hats

- Felt hats with feathers

- Jabots and lacy cuffs

- Seashell mood rings

- Skull rings

- Sideburns (100% human hair)

- Better music. I mean, really...

Punchlines and Banter Overheard in the Pirate Supply Store As of Late

"The sass girl came back! She denied everything, though."

"Stoned? Really?"

"Because chickens weren't invented yet."

"Sand...it tastes good."

"To get to the other slide."

"Vampire State Building."

"Oh real fish!"

"It's a falafel conspiracy."

826: Keeping Lard Out of Our Treasure Vat Since 1436

Ever since the tragic day when The Mathilda collided into the Vat's protrudenance, causing 58,000 Lard Gallons of Vat contaminanace, has the 826 Committee for Lard-Free Vats stood. We renew our mission to hold these Substances separate anon.

This Week's New Items

- Jaw Harps

- Whale Hooks

- Vaugondy Globes

- Mismatched keys and locks. Not actually new, but you may buy them anyway.

- Manners and Goodwill Towards Our Fellow Pirates

Location in Which Eyepatches Might Not be Appropriate

(complete list)

• Glass eye manufacturer conventions

• Pefect eyesight picnics

• Certain black sand beaches

"Why did the pumpkin cross the road?" (young barterer)

"I don't know." (pirate Justin)

"...I also don't know."

Nom de Poisson: Name That Fish

Otka has friends. No longer will they swim in anonymity (Saltwater? Stop interrupting me!). Little Dan collected noms de poissons for me. That’s French but you are unaware. The suggestions be stirring as me Nixon-shaped boil!

“Zerad”
“Tiny”
“Berol”
“Obedia”
“Ofelia
“Swim Swim”
“Quincy”
“Felix”
“The few skinny fish perhaps all have V names”
“Harriet J Hummucler”
“Orenal”
“Eyepatch”
“Poke”
“Valentine”
“Edgar” (named by Edgar)
“Nadja”
“Phylys”
“Earl”
“Olafar”
“Fat Lips Normandy”(winner!)
“Pauline”
“Fernando”
“Maurice”
“Gorman”
“Lydia Longsnout”
“Charlotte and Olivia”
“Amalasumtha”(doomed Queen of the Ostrogeths which I shall take your word for)

Deck Prisms Bring Sunshine Not Matrimony

These prisms are placed in the deck of a ship to illuminate the dark quarters below. They’ll keep the lives of your crew filled with sunshine, while keeping your more clumsy members from burning your flagship sky high with a misplaced candle or slippery oil lamp. They are not, as my ex-fiancée pointed out, "gems from the ends of the earth designed specifically for engagement rings."

Cordelia, if you read this, give me a call sometime... if you want... you know... It doesn’t have to be weird.

Mr. Isaac’s Concise Reminiscence of Certain Hose of Certain Length of Certain Blood Relation:

“My father bestowed upon me my first pair of Sea Hose when I was all but eight years of age. They brought such a pleasant sensation to my lower extremities that, sixteen years anon, I have yet to take them off.”

Mr. Scott’s Concise Riposte of Mr. Isaac’s Concise Reminiscence of Certain Hose of Certain Length of Certain Blood Relation:

“Their fragrance be dire. Makes a great gift.”

New Items!

- Swashbuckling shirts, skirts, pants, blouses, sashes, hats and eyepatches

- Sextants, map magnifiers, compasses and equally abundant amounts of equally swell navigational gear

- McSweeney’s 24 for the ladies and the landlubbers

- Tar & Feathers

- Sensitivity

A man came in the store and said some of the following to me:

“I am running for Governor of California.”

“I had a mistress. I taught her how to play chess. I love my wife.”

“I just went off Lithium, and once I was blind, but now I can see.”

“I missed most of high school. It was the 60’s.”

“Once you get off Lithium and get back on, it is never the same as the first time.

“I’m bipolar.”