826 Valencia - Store Log

Many have said that upon entering the best pirate supply store in San Francisco, they get a sensation of déjà vu. Others walk in and feel at once the miracle work of an unseen hand. Yet there are those whose eyes bulge and shrink simultaneously while their thoughts are so convoluted that they are unable to shout or mutter the question that most plagues them: “What is this place?”

The store log is weekly account of actual events that occur in the shop, as well as testimonials, comments and complaints from our customers.

“Lard Changes Lives”

Dear Me Hearties,

My lard-related memory comes from my first year of college, when I was still clinging to a little music scholarship and living in abject fear of my piano professor. He was famous for his furious eccentricities and all-encompassing obsession with German culture. (His famous punchline in the face of a roomful of students not responding at all to an inscrutable joke that he had made was to huffily announce “A GERMAN would have laughed!” — which is something that we still say in these parts if we make with the funny and nobody responds.

Anyway, I once made the mistake of telling my professor that I hadn’t been practicing a certain Schubert piece he’d assigned me because I didn’t like it and, in fact, thought it was “kinda schmaltzy”. This triggered an outburst that lasted a good ten minutes. “SCMALTZY?! SCHMALTZY?! Do you EVEN have ANY IDEA what SCHMALTZ IS?”

He paused, vein throbbing on forehead, staring darkly out the window and awaiting an answer from me, which was NOT forthcoming. He waited just long enough to make the situation even more uncomfortable and then hissed “IT. IS. RENDERED. CHICKEN FAT!!! RENDERED CHICKEN FAT!!! DO YOU DARE TO SUGGEST THAT THE MUSIC OF FRANZ SCHUBERT IS IN ANY WAY COMPARABLE TO RENDERED CHICKEN FAT?!?!?!”

I don’t remember the rest of the tirade, but I do know that the lesson culminated in him physically slapping my hands from the keyboard and sealing my decision to major in art instead, which was a really good move. Thanks, lard!

Yer faithful ol’ swabbie,

Amy Sult Stevens


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