Young bella, who is almost two, diligently swabbed the entire deck. She then proceeded to construct an interpretive sculpture with the shiny rocks which bore more than a passing resemblance to Stonehenge. She also arranged the markers and reunited some with their long-lost caps.

– Dread C. Craven

12:15 PM – A girl recites a poem (in French) about women who wears skirts in Tahiti.
12:30 PM – A girl with a flip-flop charm on her necklace recites the classic poem, “Roses are red, violets are blue, your feet stink, and I love you.”
1:15 PM – A woman in faded red provides and impromptu lesson in Bahasa Indonesian. She purchases a buckle (small) and eye (small, gray).
1:25 PM – Bartering for a 50-pence piece, a girl offers a drawing of a crib.
3 PM – Two men today, sad men, young men, have purchased the Edward Teach Flag, a skeleton stabbing a heart with a long arrow in one hand and a goblet in the other.
3:15 PM – First mopping of the day. Victim said it reminded her of her bat mitzvah.
3:30 PM – A young man with two different shoelaces demonstrates remarkable agility with leopard-print peg leg.
4:10 PM – Lard tasting. Reactions: “Like melted wax,” “Like butter, but not,” “A mellow aftertaste.”
5 PM – A Jamaican riddle about Queen Latifah offered in exchange for booty.
5:37 PM — Demonstration of use of Brunton compass.
6 PM – Young pirate arrives with hook arm. Young wench tells joke about a lantern that crossed the road to buy earrings.

– Captain Van Dusen

Many’s the time I have prowled 826 Valencia, chatting with Karl (dear, departed Karl), picking out my someday glass eye and peeking in the drawers (but not the drawer that says Erik... never that one). Those were carefree days, and I cared not, in keeping with their carefree-ness.

But those days are gone. My last visit to 826 Valencia haunts me still. On that day, I witnessed the mopping of my sister. Truth be told, I instigated the mopping of my sister. She was blithely browsing bric-a-brac ‘neath the trap door from whence the mops ensue, when, with a furtive glance at the rope, a crook of the eyebrow, a wicked half-smile, I sealed her fate. The rope was pulled, the mops released, and—oh the ignominy!—my sister was mopped.

I'd feel guilty except that she so totally deserved it.

A gentleman stood plainly and ostentatiously in the “mopping area”, hanging around, saying things like “HMM, WHAT’S THIS?” and glancing above his head every three seconds in the hope of being mopped. I faked him out a couple times, slowly going for the rope, and then not pulling it. After a while, he said, “aw, you're not going to pull it. That’s okay.” When his back was turned... blammo! But that is not the most interesting part. The most interesting part is that he then scooped up all the mop heads, clambered on top of the chest, and re-inserted the mops into the box all at once, quickly closing the trap door...showing total disregard for the preferred “basketball method” completely changing the mop-reloading process forever. It was the fastest mop cleanup the world has ever seen.

Overheard conversation between grandma and two small twin girls: One girl holding up a coin: “Mama wouldn’t let me have this.” Grandma: “You’re not with Mama, you’re with Nanna! And what does Nanna always say?” Both girls at once: “Nanna always says yes!!”

– Salty Suzanne

It was very emotional! Last August we took a trip to San Francisco and upon entering the Pirate Store it was with great pleasure we saw the pirate picture of Nathan, our nephew, who had died previously. We miss him but know that his legacy lives on with the scholarship that you have provided in his name. Other young talented people will benefit from the wonderful work that you all do there, just as Nathan did. Thank you for all that you have done and will do in the future for our young members of society.

Best to you all,
Jane & Ray Reiss
Wichita, KS

A balmy day on deck. Otka is despondent in the wake of the death of her beloved companion. She hardly touched her frozen brine shrimp (and there were some plump ones today). At 4:21 pm in the store there is a girl in an “I love Math” t–shirt carrying a tote appliqueed with bananas. There is a man in search of a watch. There is a fellow carrying a large, black, crinkly bag, fondling the messages in bottles. There is a man wearing no socks who just sneezed. A baby in pink pants is trying to move the treasure vat. The man without socks has discovered the rolls of pirate socks. He is holding a roll aloft and assessing his reflection in the mirror. Signboard Today: Knickers in a knot? Untangle it all with the one and only McSweeney’s Comb.

– Captain Van Dusen

Lard frightens me.

Ahoy me devils and scoundrels and really bad eggs, I sure wished I had known about your store when I went to San Fran. I don’t know when I will have a chance to get back, coming from Canada and all.

I applaud you for combining the best of both worlds: piracy and writing. Being a prairie pirate ( no ocean around here), I love the ocean and I am a writer, I commend you on using your great store to further writing endeavors.

I have viewed your store online, I am sure it is full of other goodies. So, I am sending a friend who lives in San Fran to check it out for me. I love all the events you have lined up. I am sure they are a lot of fun. Wished I lived in San Fran.

I have a pirate bowl with my name on it and the skull and crossbones made out of wood for me by a friend. Something if you don't carry them yet, perhaps you should think of it.

Keep up the good work!

–Princess Rusla (another really bad egg) Drink up me Hearties, yo ho!

My world is now complete. This is the best place in the world

I LOVE YOU