Bartered joke by a young San Franciscan named Morgan:
Q: What do you call a man stranded in the ocean with no arms and no legs?
A: Bob.

Bartered joke by a young Parisian named Rose:
Q: What goes 99-clunk, 99-clunk, 99-clunk?
A: A centipede with a wooden leg.

I think the fog has been hard on the lard. Today at noon it seemed unusually resilient, though by 3 PM the sun had appeared, rendering it firm yet supple. A fellow in a T-shirt and blazer came in at 1 PM and gave it a few pokes with the paddle. He scooped some out and rubbed it into the toes of his black leather shoes. “Looks like I got some new kicks,” he said, flexing his toes for his friends. Later on, a girl in glitter jeans bartered for a doubloon by doing a split near the box of Sea Hose. Her mother offered to show me the contents of their backpack, among which was a homemade trapeze made of of climbing rope and crampons. She offered to come back next week and suspend it from the store rafters so her daughter could barter for more doubloons with a brief trapeze act. Another girl, not older than seven, quietly told the following joke: “Why did, why did the, um, the people cross the road?” I tried to look hopeful and full of suspense; rarely do I accept jokes about crossing the road as adequate payment for buried treasure. After cowering behind her mother for a moment, she announced, “To buy beer!”

Today’s sign: interpretive pirate art in pastel chalk hues

– Captain Van Dusen

Today’s lard: Firm, yet supple. Tempered by sea breezes. This morning a mopping occurred at 12:15 PM which seemed a little early for the mops. They descended sluggishly and seemed limp and dusty. When I pitched them into the box, they didn’t exhibit their usual lift.

– Captain Van Dusen

‘Don’t Judge the Fish’ sits like a mantra on my mobile welcome message. It has done for 5 years now. It follows me around. I shop in London and live in Melbourne. Every call I take, every text I receive, the fact reminds me every day: it’s not for me to judge. People look over my shoulder and ask “what fish?” “why not” and “judge on what?” I always look them in the eye, hold their stare and say slowly “Don’t Judge the Fish”. Nine times out of ten, their eye falls and they look away. I know then that they did indeed call judgment and, more importantly, know all along that they shouldn't have

I am fascinated by the misunderstandings that occasionally arise in the minds of our patrons about some of our pirate merchandise. Since everything we sell is entirely family-friendly, these misunderstandings reveal far more about the mind-set of said customers and their preoccupations than it does about us. For example, it has become quite common for a patron to pick up a bosn’s whistle, giggling, and say, “Dude! I can’t believe you put these where kids can see them!” (um. They are whistles. Kids love whistles.) The almost exact comment was made about our body dice (dice that instead of numbers say things like “stomach”, “left arm”, “right leg”, etc., which many children rightly observe are great for hokey-pokey and Simon Says.) But my favorite was the woman who looked at our skull and crossed swords flag and said, “I was going to buy one of these before I figured out WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.” she then pointed out an image that, truly, only exists in the Freudian/Rorshach depths of her subconscious. But now that she pointed it out to me, I blush every time I look at it.

– Salty Suzanne

Store sign: What do these three things have in common?
- Magnetic clouds
- The smell of loneliness
- Resuscitated cat

The People of Paper, now in!

T-shirts spotted in the store today:
- Bon Jovi
- Switzerland
- Stanford Blood Center
- Natural Curiosity
- C’est Superb! Rainbow Airlines
- Lucky!
- Shaolin Fighting
- Confusion Fighting
- Confusion Hill
- A parsnip

Highlight of the day: a pirate comes in en route to a Boggle party.

– Captain Van Dusen