Today we had a special guest in the store. It was Mumford, the Invisible Pirate. He showed up around noon, greeting me with a warm, luminous hug, not unlike the feeling of swimming into a warm patch of water in a pond. After that, he immediately dissipated, swirled up into the mortar and pestle above the Sea Hose display, and curled up there for a while. Next, I saw the carpet undulate once, then fall still. Jose lifted the edge of the carpet and whispered, “Mumford! Mumford!” but to no avail. Twenty minutes passed, and there were some popping sounds, like small eruptions, coming from the lard tub.

Around 1 pm, an 826 staff member reported a draft on her left cheek, and a few minutes later, the door to the McSweeney's bathroom slammed shut and toilet paper was heard unspooling rapidly inside, as if something were pawing at the roll. One of the editors found the Wednesday Dining Section of his New York Times had gone missing (it contained an article on escarole). At 2 PM, Mumford announced he was taking his nap. I thought I glimpsed the hands on the store clock quaking in time with his snores. Chris went in to the fish theater for some Time Out and said he saw a rapid undercurrent rippling through the hole in the coral reef, leaving a trail of doubloons in its wake. The sound of a peg leg limping across the rafters was heard at dusk, and one student found her Hi-C Flashin’ Fruit Punch had been replaced by a tumbler of grog.

— Captain Van Dusen

Bartered riddle by Desmond, age 8:
Q: Imagine you are in a metal box. How do you get out?
A: Stop imagining it

When you look into the lard, the lard looks into you.

– Salty Suzanne and Peanut

Today’s sign:
Are you a BARBAROSA (red beard)?
Give us a lock of your beard and get FREE LARD.

T-shirt log:
Sartre (in graffiti tag writing)
Safari
City of Caterpillar
Williamsburg
Right On
Shirt depicting names of various fruit-themed candy
The Juliana Theory
Cute but evil
Bass Fishing: An American tradition since 1801
Sweet potato
There is nothing lucky about a bunny with no feet

— Captain Van Dusen

Today’s sign:
For his daily breakfast, Napoleon ate:
2 eggs
1 oz of lard
a glass of milk

As a result, I learned that in Poland they spread Lardo on their bread, which is sweetened rendered fat. The woman who told me this said it was “to die for!”

A female doctor told me that lard works quite well on eczema—an itchy rash of the skin—and she recommends it to her patients.

A man told me that an article he read claimed that lard is much healthier to cook with than some alternatives, as it doesn’t have much trans fat or other “bad fats”.

– Mad Ms Wannamaker

Today’s sign: There would have been no mutiny if there had been bananas.

New weekend ambassador Nicki names fruits after towns. She’s decided that “bananas” shall henceforth be referred to as “Stockton”. Furthermore she’s concluded that if pirates had received enough potassium, mutiny could have been prevented.

– Dread Craven

Thirteen year old Willa, bought our mop today for eight dollars. I told her father that he was lucky to have a daughter who would see the value in such a mop at such a very young age. When asked what she intended to do with it, she responded, “I don’t know, it just seems like one of those things you’ll need later in life.”