A woman came in and explained she was making a reliquary for her recently departed terrier-blend out of 12 test tubes filled with bits of his hair and teeth extracted during a recent operation. He was an oracle and they used to tell people's fortunes together. She needed sealing wax to seal the reliquary tubes, which she was going to give to his admirers. She promised to bring one to 826 so hang in the fish theater.

A guy carrying a dachshund named Bruce walked by as I was sweeping the sidewalk and pulled 12 gold doubloons from his pocket and said he’d been waiting for the right person to give them to.

This afternoon Chris escaped from tutoring and joined me in the store. He picked up our compass-sundial and held it up to his ear and began to have a conversation with the sun. “ Hello, Sun? Yeah, hi. I was wondering if you could come out tomorrow, because I really like to wear shorts but I can’t if you’re not around.”

What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailer.

Alone on deck.

A young buccaneer bartered for a piece of blue beach stone by drawing a picture of a sword (nay, two swords) with a heart and flames. Also, a bird.

An art student from CCA asked if she could sketch me. I obliged. I tried to act like I get asked and sketched all the time.

A teenager asked me if I knew of a place where he could get “medical cannabis.” Didn’t even inquire about our rum or grog offerings.

I fought with the bubble wrap.

I learned about deck prisms.

I conquered the cash register.

The mops were shy.

What do you call a cheese that’s not yours?
Nacho cheese.

A man came in to purchase for his girlfriend our latest book of papal sartorial advice. Apparently, a paper doll set of the pope exists that she used to have as a child. The pope is in his underwear, and you choose his outfits from a collection of robes, hats, and other priestly vestments.

Today’s sign:
“ Bring a tear to her eye with a tune played on our JAW HARP.”

Things that took place:
A guy came in wearing a T-shirt of Darth Vader trimming a hedge.
Two traveling salesmen, one tried to sell me an old Hardy Boys mystery from a rolling shopping cart full of old books; the other tried to optimize my MasterCard and Visa rates.
Alvaro brought me a bottle of Santa Lucia with a CHUNK in it.

A golden retriever named Nietzche licked the sides of the lard vat.

A man lifted his girlfriend onto his shoulders so they could discover what was in the top drawers and then carried her around the store until she threatened to pull on his ears.

A man named Jefrie who is in a band of the same name bought compass dice to give to members of his band to help them determine which direction to go on their tour.

A girl named Cecilia who remembered when the bartering vat used to be full of water. She said she preferred the sand: “It is less messy.”

One blond ringlet exchanged for lard.

Today’s sign:
2006 Resolutions
1. Scarier flag
2. Lose grog belly
3. Message bottles to Mom more often

My First Mopping
Three people and a potted plant gathered beneath the mop heads. I mopped. The energy of the entire room changed.

A woman's husband produced a film canister for her to place her lard into after I sawed off her hair with a dull pair of scissors.

Why was the duck stuck in the car?
Because it was stuck there with gum and car wasn’t moving.

A librarian comes in. She is wearing a cardigan, a knee-length skirt, tortoiseshell glasses, and her hair is in a bun. She browses. She lurks in the fish nook. She emerges and approaches the desk. She produces from her wallet an ad torn from the Guardian. The ad is titled “Boots of Shiny Leather.” It is from a dungeon on the Peninsula that is seeking a dominatrix. She tells me she has an interview this afternoon. She is nervous because her only experiences is as a librarian. I say, “ Go for it.” She says she wants to wear boots and a special outfit and flog naked rich capitalist men. I say, “ Trust your instincts.”

Some things that happened:
–a father and son both in red Polarfleece. The father repeatedly addresses his son as “My man”
–a man in camo with an Iron Maiden patch sewn on his backpack
–the heater emits a scent like toasted croissants
–a boy wearing a belt made of blown-up balloons with a balloon “sword” in a “holster”
–woman with “aye” tattooed on her wrist
–woman carrying a plastic bag of Whiffle balls
–a kid doing a karate routine in exchange for buried treasure

Today's topic:
Barnacles as life philosophy.
I have often marveled at the tenacity of the barnacle. Small. Round. Essentially a living rock that clings to the hulls of ships with a fearsome and irrevocable salty grasp. The life of the barnacle is inextricably connected to the life of the ship. Perhaps you know people who follow the philosophy of the timorous barnacle. Perhaps you are just such a person. May I recommend the idolatry of the starfish instead? At least then your stomach could shoot out of your body and wrestle with your food.

Today’s sign:
The sea goat’s favorite food: SEA LOAF.
A blond, mohawked girl comes in. She is wet from the rain but claims she is wearing kayaking pants under her jeans. She had been traveling through the floods from Portland, Oregon to San Francisco with three friends and had come to the pirate store for some quiet time. She had spent all last night roaming around the city because the friends she had planned to stay with were not in town. She had hung out at a bar until it closed, then went across the street to the 24-hour Safeway, where she met an older man who offered to let her spend the night with him. She was wary at first, but she decided to go with him, and he cooked her dinner and drove her to the Bart in the morning and told her that just having the opportunity to talk to someone had made his night and cheered him up.